Dear College Board,

I hope you realize the life of a student is tough. Waking up early in the morning to make sure our outfit is perfect for the guy in algebra, copying off our friend’s homework after we were too busy to do our own homework because of the picking out of said outfit, and occasionally, the watching TV and looking at our phones and listening to music while glancing at our notes for 25 seconds as we prepare for the AP tests and the SAT.

In addition to the “studying” and the taking of tests, there’s the bubbling we must do before the exams and the surveys you kindly force us to take via email that only add on to the burdenous life of a student. As you know, we are asked our address, phone number, email, gender ethnicity, and other such information.

But wait! There’s more.

Parent’s highest level of education.

Religion.

Language you speak best.

Hold on. It gets better.

How many times we work out in a week.

The number of times we’ve eaten fresh fruit (NOT including fruit juice) in the past week.

How many hours of TV we watch a day.

Height.

Weight.

Of course, I could ask why on earth College Board would need this information, but a more appropriate question would be why waste the time and paper and energy asking us all these questions through bubbling sheets and surveys? Why have to go through millions of forms so our diets and weights can be analyzed? You already have our address, phone number and know which language we speak best. Why not go all CIA on us and bug our phones? There’s not much more you would find that what you already know.

Better yet, why not just send over a certified College Board agent to our houses and watch us eat, drink, sleep, watch TV, look at memes on our phones, do homework, cry while doing homework, fall asleep while doing homework after crying over homework, wake up to look at memes and what our crush (who’s a year older than us but still pretty cute but nobody knows we think that except maybe our mom) posted on Instagram?

Just imagine the wonderful effects.

“Where do you work?”

“I’m a certified College Board agent.”

“Oh, interesting. What is that?”

“I go over to students houses and watch them for 24 hours to eliminate the need for bubbling sheets and surveys.”

“That’s so cool! Those forms are such an invasion of privacy. It’s great this will eliminate that! How many of such agents are there?”

“Oh, about three million.”

“Wow, talk about a job creator! It eliminates the need to bring US jobs back from Mexico, doesn’t it?”

“Yep. Unemployment is at an all time low.”

Pay attention, Trump. College Board is the real job creator.

Or, hypothetically, the College Board could stop the questionnaire madness, respect student privacy and save time and trees.

Or, even crazier, help guide students through the standards of the AP and SAT tests and focus on the what will become the student’s highest level of education, not their parent’s.

I know, I’m being ridiculous. Just ignore this part. I’m just thinking out loud. The almighty College Board would fall apart without their insatiable need to know our fresh fruit intake (NOT including fruit juice).

Filling out the bubble sheets and surveys, I realized something: the almighty College Board knows me better than I know myself.

As I eat a bowl of apples cut up into approximately six pieces (and NO fruit juice) in the midst of my one hour and 27 minutes of TV a day, my phone beeps. It’s another email from College Board. This time they wanted me to take a survey about my general perception of College Board. They gave me four choices: good, more good than bad, more bad than good, and bad.

My honest answer? More bad than good.

But of course, they already knew I thought that.